Do you ever get suicidal thoughts?

I am a wreck- an emotional wreck. I wander here and there, searching for a cure. My liver still ails though. On a good night, I will get 2 hours of sleep but that is rare. Then I walk around my town, this miserable place. I cannot stand it anymore. I won't see a doctor, I am too spiteful for that. Perhaps, sedation? No I tried it but even that is not strong enough to heal me. I am truly lost, a miserable alien. I am an outsider.